Season For Dreaming
by Krazy007
Summary: There, like the cheesy ending to a romantic comedy or -in Rachel's preference- the destined perfect ending to a tragic star-crossed romance of Broadway, standing right in McKinley's parking lot was Jesse St. James.


**Ok, wow, I haven't written a story for fanfiction in like ten thousand months so I'm warning you that this might be really rusty. Plus, this is my very first glee story (yay!). I absolutely adore St. Berry and am impatiently waiting for Jesse's return this season while suffering through all this 'Finchel' stuff. Not cool. Anyway, this is an idea I got inspired partially by the story Bootleg by _bandtogetherandfight_**, **so the SA bootleg video is all her idea. Well, I hope you all like this and if you do, you will express it to me with reviews. :)**

**Btw, this takes place sometime after "Comeback". **

**Disclaimer: Ha! If only...**

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_And who can say what dreams are? And who can say what we are?_  
_This is the season for dreaming..._

Rachel Berry sighed as she settled down in the standardly uncomfortable chair of the glee club room. But the hardness of the furniture wasn't what had her in such a dreary wretched mood. It wasn't even because of the insult-athon Santana had hosted that morning in their shared Language Arts class or the fact she was sitting alone, isolated by her fellow club members by a few chairs. In fact, Rachel had purposefully placed herself away to be alone—not desiring any company that day. No, her misery came from a strange place. Ever since her sleepover with Mercedes and Kurt and Finn's kind words a few weeks back, Rachel had been working hard at re-discovering herself.

She then came to the astonishing news that lately she hadn't been talking about her "becoming a star" dreams half as much as she used to. She had attempted to tone down her knowingly intense personality for the sake of Finn, who hadn't been as equipped to deal with her obsession with all things Spring Awakening or the tendency to have hours-long discussions of the latest award show. Not only had she let her passionate devotion to the Broadway and music world fade, but she had allowed vital pieces of herself to be lost as well. No one—not even Finn Hudson was worth altering herself for. Rachel was ashamed. Now in the past two weeks she had begun wearing her ridiculed animal sweaters again, humming Barbra every free moment she had, and reminding the glee club members of her superior talent periodically. Santana and Quinn looked ready to murder whenever Rachel opened her mouth, but the talented brunette couldn't bring herself to care. She was finally happy again…well, at least until she found _it_.

Yesterday, Rachel had decided it was a good time to clean out her room like she did annually for clothes to donate to the less fortunate. It had been a tradition her fathers had brought upon her at a young age and Rachel was aware of how important it was to give back. It was why she dedicated every Sunday afternoon to educating the hospital children in the arts and proper singing lessons. Anyway, she had been sweeping under her bed, figuring she might find an old pair of shoes when something else was swept out and skid across her carpet. A Spring Awakening DVD. There it was—the bootleg version of course—lying right there under her mattress every night for almost a year. It wasn't so much seeing the DVD she had never watched that upset Rachel, but the dying promise that lay with it.

Nearly a year prior, while Rachel was still dating Jesse St. James, he had brought that tape over one Saturday afternoon for them to watch together. They had been discussing it for weeks, Jesse insisting she would adore it as much as him, and Rachel denying herself to watching it because it would be like a betrayal to the Broadway world (and her fathers' prohibited it). But finally Jesse had convinced into sneaking it over to watch while her dads were both out. Then, Leroy had made a sudden appearance at the Berry house, feeling sick and Rachel had snuck Jesse back out, without even realizing that she had apparently left the movie in her room…and under her bed. Seeing it now had brought tears to Rachel's eyes, for multiple reasons. Not only would she never see this movie with Jesse, ever, but it had been left to die, albeit dirty and heedlessly, just like their relationship.

Rachel had then spent the rest of Sunday up to now reminiscing about her past relationship with Jesse, all the heartache and drama laced into it, and came to the horrible realization that Jesse St. James was absolutely perfect for her. He had encouraged her alleged unrealistic dreams and eagerly engaged in those Broadway discussions and completely understood her boarder-line obsession with performing and being the only star. He understood her and made her feel beautiful instead of crazy and like she actually had a place in this world. As much as she detested to admit it, Finn had only made Rachel feel unworthy in comparison to Quinn and Santana and Brittany. He found her conversation topics boring or confusing and although he was supportive of her dreams, he didn't get them or feel the same way. Rachel was forced to accept that Finn Hudson was not her soul mate.

Jesse was.

He had broken her heart, stolen her Regionals trophy, and turned her non-existent relationship with her mother into a disaster. She hated him more than anything in the world—yet missed him just the same. As Mr. Schue started class, Rachel was in another time, another place, watching Jesse and Vocal Adrenaline dominate that Queen number. She remembered standing there, her chest aching so deeply it was difficult to breathe and wishing he would lose and get run over by a monster truck on his way home. But at the same time, Rachel understood. She hated him for what he did to her, but knew why he had to do it. His love for performing, his dreams of being a star, his devotion for his team and Shelby—they were all too great to throw away, even for her. Rachel told herself over and over that she would never do something so despicable if she was in his place, but…would she?

In the present, Rachel shook her head and mentally brushed those thoughts away. Jesse was gone and he wasn't coming back. There was no point it remembering what had happened and what would never be. The Spring Awakening movie would never be watched and Rachel would never get her other dream; the one where Shelby is her mother that loves and wants her, Jesse is her boyfriend without any ulterior motives, and Rachel can just be herself with both of them by her side, forever.

"Alright guys," Mr. Schue stepped back from the board, permitting Rachel to see this week's topic: Unspoken Feelings. "We've done a lot of different songs that are all about expressing exactly how you feel and what you want to do about it. But what about things you didn't do or things you didn't say? For whatever the reason—fear, shame, anger—there are some things that are left unsaid. I want you to release all those emotions and words through a song."

The kids instantaneously break into conversations about their choices, but Rachel is the only one silent for once. There's a strange sadness clouding her heart and she isn't sure if it's regret or disappointment or something else entirely. But she raises her hand, more than ready to expound all these feelings in the best way she knows how.

"Yes, Rachel?" Mr. Schue calls, but instead of sounding irritated or weary when he usually calls on her, his stare is confused. Maybe it has to with the fact Rachel isn't bouncing with anticipation to shine or already up in front of the class belting her heart out. Maybe it doesn't even have to do with her. She isn't sure about that—isn't sure about a lot of things lately.

"I'd like to perform my song now, if that's acceptable, Mr. Schue?"

He nods and the other students silence themselves, besides a few uncomplimentary comments muttered beneath their breaths. Rachel ignores them with experienced ease and takes her standard spot in the center of the room. She looks at each member, particularly focusing on Finn, waiting for her heart to flutter or to feel something other than bitterness for what failed between them, but nothing else comes. She sighs again and takes a breath before speaking. "The song I will be performing is 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis. I will be expounding on my feelings of a wish that was never able to come true and feelings of disappointment that I will carry for the rest of my life."

The kids snicker at her characteristic dramatics, but Rachel doesn't even hear them. All her mind can see is one boy being held in the air by his teammates, her mother cheering him on, and that trophy held in his hand—all ripping away at her heart in one moment. Rachel closes her eyes.

_There was a time, when men were kind  
And their voices were soft  
And their words were inviting  
There was a time, when love was blind  
And the world was a song  
And the song was exciting  
There was a time it all went wrong__I dreamed a dream__ in time gone by  
When hope was high and life worth living  
I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving_

_Then I was young and unafraid_  
_And dreams were made and used and wasted_  
_There was no ransom to be paid_  
_No song unsung, no wine untasted_

_But the tigers come at night_  
_With their voices soft as thunder_  
_As they turn your hope apart_  
_As they turn your dreams to shame_

_He slept a summer by my side_  
_He filled my dreams with endless wonder_  
_He took my childhood in his stride_  
_But he was gone when autumn came_

_And still I dream he'd come to me_  
_That we would live the years together_  
_But there are dreams that cannot be_  
_And there are storms we cannot weather_

_I had a dream my life would be_  
_So different from the hell I'm living_  
_So different now from what it seemed_  
_Now life has killed the dream I dreamed_

Before she even finished the last lyric, the tears are freely spilling down her face. To her surprise, Mr. Schuester applauds her performance and the others follow suit. Rachel gives a weak smile and a curtsy before excusing herself from the glee room. She takes her time in the bathroom, cleaning her face and trying to bring her breathing back to normal levels. It was the first time Rachel had allowed herself to really grieve over what had happened. At the time, it seemed so wise and mature to hold in her feelings and march on for the team. She had foolishly believed that if she dove into a relationship with Finn and pouring herself into glee club and its junior year that she would move on from everything that occurred that month. She hadn't let herself mourn or think about all she had lost, other than a few angry tears about her mother. As much as it hurt, it was also relieving to sing that song and cry now, after all this time.

By the time Rachel was presentable, their session had ended and she was free to go home. Rachel didn't hesitate to hastily grab her things and bolt to her car, determined to not run into Mercedes or (even worse) Finn on her way out. She rushed into the car and fumbled with her large amount of music, hunting for the perfect mix to soothe her right now. She finally found the golden Funny Girl tape and went to put it in when something else was occupying the space. Confused, Rachel pressed _eject _only to have an unfamiliar black tape pop out. She nearly winced, recalling the tape Shelby had left for her, singing the exact same song she had just performed, and for a moment, she didn't want to see what it was. Only curiosity led her to flip over the tape and then drop it. There was a note attached to it, from a person that expected her to read it before putting the tape on—the last person she expected a note or anything from. With trembling hands, Rachel picked the tape backup and read:

_Sorry is the hardest word, but it means everything_

_-Jesse_

Rachel stared for a while before just shoving the tape in and pressing play, trying not to concentrate too hard on what she was doing. The first song to come up was Elton John's Sorry is the Hardest Word, followed by 'Sorry' by Buckcherry, 'On Bended Knee' by Boys II Men, 'After All We've Been Through' by Chicago, 'I Didn't Mean to Hurt You' by Paul Weller, and finally 'Hello' by Lionel Richie. Rachel listened to every single one and couldn't hold back her smile when she heard the last one. She probably looked ridiculous to any stranger passing by, with tears on her cheeks and a smile on her lips. She couldn't decide if she was hurt or happy or just bittersweet about everything, when a motion outside caught her attention.

There, like the cheesy ending to a romantic comedy or (in Rachel's preference) the destined perfect ending to a tragic star-crossed romance of Broadway, standing right in McKinley's parking lot was Jesse St. James. She realized he had somehow planted the tape in her car and had been waiting for her to listen to it. His presence created a lot of feelings and even more questions, but right then, Rachel didn't let herself worry about any of it. He was waiting for something, either her to run him over while she had the chance or open the window and scream her heart out after all he had done. Rachel watched him slowly raise his arm and give a hesitant wave, but made no other movements. She made a quick cleanse of her damp face, sniffled, and then…unlocked the doors.

There was a lot left unsaid.


End file.
